Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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