Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
