She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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