he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
