So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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