I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the day after is always just damage control
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
the liver wants what the liver wants
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
