2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
