I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
