peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
