We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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