He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
