When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
