You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
