Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
