Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
