life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
