Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
