we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
