I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize