My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
so let's talk penis.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
