Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
the raccoons are back...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
