I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
