i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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