this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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