You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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