how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i was born a porn star she said
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
