I accidentally had phone sex last night
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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