I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
