Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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