so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
