well I can't set my house on fire every night
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
