i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
