Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
