I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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