you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
