Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
