ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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