just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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