Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
