He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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