I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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