Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
