if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize