a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
