Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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