This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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