I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
