I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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