I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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