I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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