someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
