Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I feel great
I just peed on a car
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
